I’ve gotten two heartbreaking e-mails in the last 12 hours from dapperQ’s reaching out for help when it comes to weddings. Both authors have agreed to let me share them with you. Here’s the first:
My fiancee and I have been together for 7 years and are about to get married in Fall, 2011. I live in in one of the many states where our union will not be recognized. As if it isn’t hard enough just to live, I find myself brave enough to admit to myself that I have not allowed myself to enjoy fashion because I feel like I’m literally wearing a costume. I found dapperQ.com while trying to find a tasteful suit for my wedding. My sweetheart has a million dresses to pick from but I am stuck with only options that leave me looking like a woman in a guy’s suit. I don’t want that. I want to wear my clothes, I don’t want them to wear me. In small steps I have started to change the clothing I buy but it’s soo hard. Not only am I “petite”, I am also short (5ft). I don’t even know where to begin. I have no close family and nobody that I feel I can talk to about this. This is why I love your website. I just wish it had more basic direction because someone like me, doesn’t even know where to start….Id love to make myself over before my wedding. Any help you can provide?
Here’s the second:
Hi there! My name is Emilee but everyone calls me Scotty. So, my father’s wedding is coming up, and his fiance is extremely excited about it. I’m bisexual, and I wear male clothing almost everyday. My father has mostly grown used to it and even buys me male clothing instead of female clothing, and everyone in my household it pretty open to the idea. But when it comes to this wedding, Dominique (my father’s fiance) wants everything to be perfect. Including me. I mentioned to my father a while ago that I didn’t feel comfortable knowing that I’ll be forced to wear a frilly dress in light summery colors. It just isn’t me. He didn’t really listen at first but after telling him just how uncomfortable I was about it, he told me that he would consider letting me wear a tux. I was ecstatic. Once Dominique found out though, the idea and the consideration died. She gave me a guilt trip and told me that she wants me to wear a dress. My brother and his fiance also agree with her and went so far as to tell me ” you’re wearing a dress. That’s final” I feel a little trapped and lost right now because I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to wear a dress because it makes me feel uncomfortable and just not good about myself. It’s not me. And then there are people who I care deeply about telling me that I have no choice in the matter. My father, I love him and I know that if he had full choice, he’s allow me to wear whatever made me feel happy, but he doesn’t because Dominique is basically taking care of the entire thing.
Some of the reasons they gave me are:
– You’re in the bridal party
– You’re paired with your brother to walk down the aisle
– You’re a bridesmaid and all of the groomsmen spots are taken, although we wouldn’t let you be a groomsmen anyways
– You’re a girl.
I don’t think that wearing a tux to a wedding makes me any less of a girl. And if my brother doesn’t want to be paired with me because of an outfit, that kind of hurts you know? It shouldn’t make me any less of a person or any less his little sister.
They even went so far as to tell me that if I want to wear a tux that badly, I’m not allowed in the bridal party. I’m 15. That hurt. It still does…and I only have like…less than a year to convince them otherwise…
Dominique wants a peach colored theme for the dresses, I’d even go so far as to pay for a custom made peach colored tux just so that I could fit in on the bridesmaid side. I mean…if they really don’t want to accept me into the bridal party just because of what I’m wearing…I’m not so sure that I’d want to BE in that bridal party. I love my father to death and I’m not trying to get attention or be ‘different’. I just want to be me.
I really need help and advice on what to do…perhaps you could help me?
What I can say is that I feel your pain, your urgency, your willingness to honor yourself and those you love. Those of you who have been reading this blog know my belief that what we need a full-on style guide, that it needs to be multimedia, fun, and jammed with input from those of us who are making all this up as we go along. Fashion “experts” are great, but I remain confident that far more than fashion advice is needed to respond to letters like these. Swear to the fashion gods, I’m working on a plan including a call this morning with Kathryn Hamm who founded and heads GayWeddings.com.
But in the best world, compiling a robust set of resources will take time. What advice or comfort can you offer these two and the many they represent in the meantime?